don't sing your lonely song to me
by suzuyas
Summary: Teach me how to breathe, albeit slowly.
1. breathe

Touka's breath hitches when she first meets Kaneki.

Her first thought is, _that he doesn't look like a ghoul._

Her second is, _oh._

Touka lets her gaze fall upon him and she does not think that he is handsome, nor that he is weak. She does not glance at him and ponder if she will grow to care for him, grow to love him.

She does not think of these things, but perhaps all of them could be true.

She takes once peek at his kind eyes and gentle smile and decides he is too kind for the world.

"Hello."

His voice is scared, it tremors slightly and she watches his fingers fumble for the hem of his sleeve for something to grab. His eye, the one that isn't covered is black, flecked with brown and the black is as thick as the tones of ink. He is young, younger than they normally are; he looks, with his dark hair and joyful eyes, so much like a boy it hurts.

"Hello."

Her response is quiet, it is not supposed to soothe him or calm him, but somehow it does; she blinks as his fingers relax slightly at the tone of her voice and she watches his eyes light up in recognition.

"You're that girl from the ca–" He begins, she cuts him off, "–Yes, I am."

"I'm Kaneki."

"Touka."

"Nice to meet you Touka-chan!"

(Things change after that.)

* * *

><p>He had promised, promised Hinami and her that he would not leave.<p>

She had sat by and let him be taken away, and so utterly weak of her to lie with her back leaned across the door, coughing up scarlet and watching her brother lose himself, watching as she lost Kaneki.

The only blood on the wall is hers and Kaneki's, a splash of brilliant vermillion against the dull tones of yellow is what she focuses on.

They take him away.

(She doesn't cry still. He'll come back, he promised. By now she has realised that he is not her father nor her brother and his promise will be kept.)

* * *

><p>When he comes back; Touka doesn't think he looks like Kaneki at all anymore.<p>

His hair is thin and nimble and barely clings onto his scalp, the thick black it once was will never grow back and now in it's place is the colour of pure white, not a single strand of black anymore. His voice is heavier, his fingers do not tremble and fumble for something to grab, and he sounds like something is lodged in his throat, a promise, another promise.

His eyes look different, worn down, bitter and she sees rage in the vibrant red and she is almost scared, it is bone-chilling because_ he came back, he came back_ and she wants to cry and scream and slap him but she settles at looking at him through heavy eyelids.

* * *

><p>The next day, she sees him teaching Hinami how to read and she thinks maybe he hasn't changed much at all.<p>

The next day, he lets out the most wretched laugh as his hands drip blood and she shuts her eyes and prays this is a dream.


	2. quietly

Kaneki's lips are parted slightly, tinted cerise and Touka lets out a light airy chuckle at his expression, a pleasant feeling surges through her as Kaneki smiles at her, slightly crooked with his two chipped teeth; it feels normal.

Normal is good, she tells herself. It is good, it feels good and new, it feels incredibly new; _god_, she hasn't felt normal in so long, not since Ayato left to _gods know where_ and then came back barely himself anymore.

This is the first time Kaneki has smiled in weeks; his nails are chipped and dark black and his eyes are heavy-lidded and empty; his hair thin and dry, a shade of vibrant white, like the first drops of snow in winter except that white is happier, brighter and Kaneki's is bleak and makes her feel empty.

His smile is still the same as when she first meets him –

_It lets her know he's still in there._

* * *

><p>Her insides cringe and tumble whenever Kaneki cracks his fingers, she bites her tongue to stop herself from asking,<em> is it a habit? where did you learn it from? could you please stop?<em> – she narrows her eyes, pinpointing on the slight tremor of his foot, tapping slightly on the floor.

She reaches for his fingers, to loop them through each other; she remembered when he first came, how he had relaxed at the sound of her voice.

His skin is paler than hers and she feels like vomiting when his foot doesn't stop trembling.

It feels like she's failed him.

* * *

><p>Hinami has always been a brave little girl; Touka knows this better than anyone.<p>

She halts slightly, and peers into the room behind the cafe, where Kaneki and Hinami are sitting together on the couch, her book open and Kaneki's gentle words teaching her.

It's not the same as before though, Kaneki's eyes are flitting back and forth from the dark corners of the room, she can hear the _crack, crack_ of his fingers and tapping of his foot on the wood floor.

"Onii-chan, are you alright?" Hinami reaches for Kaneki's wrist, Touka feels sick when he flinches back and his eyes start flickering faster and the tapping grows faster, more frantic, angry.

"Onii-chan–" Hinami manages to grasp his wrist tightly in her grasp, and Kaneki stills for a moment, "–Are you alright?" She asks again, quietly this time, almost afraid.

Touka almost slams the door down when Kaneki becomes a blur of movement and slams Hinami into the wall with his hands, his eyes are wide and unhinged, "_Wh–Wh–Why_–" his voice deathly unstable, "–_is everybody asking if I'm alright, I'm alright, I killed him, I devoured him_–" he pauses, and lets his hand drop from Hinami's body and he slumps onto the floor, curling into himself, sobbing and whispering "–_I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine._"

It's like he's trying to convince himself.

* * *

><p><strong>note:<strong> okay this is a three-short and the last chapter should be about hide idk


	3. now

Hide visits three times.

Kaneki locks himself in his room and refuses to come out the first time. Touka hears the cracking of a vase and the scruffing off a towel against hair.

The next time, he opens his door slightly to let Hide slide in and Touka presses her ear up against the wall and finds a smile working it's way onto her face at the sound of Kaneki and Hide's laughter.

The third time, Hide's arms are wrapped around Kaneki's shaking frame and Touka can hear soft whispers,_ 'you're alright', 'i'm here', 'it's okay_', and Touka realises with a sudden blink, just how shaky Hide's voice is and how desperate he sounds, "Hey Kaneki, don't you remember? The promise I made you?" and a small smile breaks out on the blonde's face as Kaneki nods, "-Good, let's remake another one, mhm?"

Hide offers his pinky out, and winks at Kaneki; all of a sudden, Touka feels like she's watching two children swearing an oath on a playground, _best friends forever, of course i'll protect you_ - and perhaps Hide is thinking of how he failed Kaneki.

Kaneki links his pinky through Hide's anyway.

* * *

><p>Sleep blurs her vision.<p>

She's pressed up against the metal frame of her bed, Hinami asleep between her arms. Her breath is shaky as she gently lays Hinami down and slides out of bed, the door creaks slightly when she pushes it and Hide's panicked face is the first sight that greets her once she's out the door.

"_Sh-, shit, shit_-" His fingers run through his blonde hair, and there are tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, "-Touka!" and Hide stops, and slides down, his back against the wall and the only sound in the hallway is his heavy breathing.

"What's wrong?" Touka asks, gently as possible, but she can barely force the words out herself, they're heavy on her tongue and she slides down so their shoulders touch.

"_I can't, I can't fucking find him; god, I don't know where he is or where he's gone, I don't have a single idea and I'm supposed to be his best friend, I'm supposed to protect him and I can't even fucking find him_-" Hide's voice is frantic, rushed and panicked and his heavy breathing is replaced by frantic hand movements, "-Touka, please."

(They spend three nights, four hours and five minutes looking and they never see him again.)

* * *

><p>The next time she sees him, is at his grave.<p>

His funeral is small; only her, Hide, Hinami and some of the members of Anteiku come; and there are white and red flowers thrown across the coffin and Touka is incredibly bitter as tears stream down her face.

_He promised he'd never leave, he promised_.

He left Hinami, he left her, he left Hide; and Touka wants to scream, _come back_ like it's all one big story, one big joke.

Except for the part it isn't and when Hide links his fingers through hers and Hinami curls up to her side, she thinks; _maybe i'll see you again._

(The memory of a smiling boy with a choppy dark fringe, crooked smile and an eyepatch flashes through her mind and the laughing sound of '_Touka-chan!_' rings through her ears.)

* * *

><p><strong>NOTES:<strong> and my three shot is done wooo


End file.
